wow it's been a heck of a week. Last week was busy with appointments, and play dates, and this week has just been...I don't even know. This weekend while at work I got sick to my stomach sick. The worst I have ever been in memory. Luckily it lasted only about 18 hours. And I was back to work for Sunday night. It seems that something very similar to this happened not that long ago. The worst part of it all was that husband was still upset that I hadn't had the chance to clean the house with how busy I was and being gone to Jury duty all day on Friday. So not only was he not helpful, he was horrible. I'm still having trouble forgiving him for this one. He left me with the kids while I napped, and called me lazy. I had the boys get me a cup of water, because the thought of getting up was too exhausting to me, and because my husband wouldn't. But they were super cute and brought me a green plastic cup with about 1.5 inches of water in it, just like I do for them at bed time.
I can't even remember what I did on Monday. I think I was cleaning the house a lot because it was a mess, and I had been wanting to clean up, and to please angry husband. Oh yea. I rented a movie. The social network. Which I could have gone without.
On Tuesday I visited my grandma, and had pancakes to celebrate Mardi Gras, or Shrove Tuesday as she calls it. I did not know that eating pancakes was a tradition for that day, but now I do. I also finished watching The social network. Probably the last movie I will see until Easter in celebration.
I saw my grandmother again on Wednesday when I took her to church. For Ash Wednesday. I have been thinking about what I want to give up. I'm eating chocolate right now, so it probably shouldn't be that. At first I thought I keeping a detailed journal of the things I did right, and the ways I sinned to really getting to know what is keeping me from God. But that actually sounds like a cop out. So then I thought I would try to focus on just two things that I can really do, and if I can't do one then I still have the other.
Some years I have not looked forward to Lent, and others I have been very excited to get a fresh start, to really try to work on things. This year I am in the middle. The last few years I pick something, and then make excuses, and my excuse is: " if I really did eat this piece of chocolate would it really affect my relationship with Jesus? How is eating this these left-overs with some meat in it going to be worse than buying a nice expensive fillet of salmon for dinner?" So this year what I really need to do is stop thinking about it so much. I really wanted some left-over pizza on Wednesday, but I totally pigged out on it for lunch today instead, and I do feel a little better.
I know the role that the "the rules" play in my faith. But I need to stop being so arrogant and analytical, come to Jesus as a child. I tried my best to explain to Antonio what Lent was all about. By the end of the conversation he was in agreement with me that he could give something up. He decided new toys, and candy. I was proud of him. Although if I asked him now why he did that he would probably say something about prayers, or ashes, maybe. It's a start!
I was doing dishes yesterday, and I was thinking of when I was little I had my next door neighbor friend, Andrea over to my house. I was for some reason upset that our other neighbor friend, Melody had lots, and lots of toys. I was upset, and unfairly asked Andrea to point to one toy that I had that Melody did not have. Andrea looked around my room, and pointed to the poster my mother had painted for my first communion. It was hanging on my wall at that time along with a small crown of flowers, and ribbons I had worn in my hair. I must have been about eight, or nine. I was annoyed with Andrea's choice because it was not a "real" toy, and I'm sure I told her so, and most likely changed the subject. I think it is strange that I remember this conversation at all. I don't remember a lot of the things that we did, with the exception of the games that we played over, and over. I think He helps us to remember things that are important. Because it is true, I had my religion, and my faith. Even when I didn't, it was there. I was the best "toy" my parents ever gave me.
So I guess I would like to focus more on showing my children how important my Faith is to me, and the best way I can do that is by living it. And the best way I can live my faith is by....Coming to Christ like a child, stop thinking about it so much. What is pleasing on not, it is most important that I am here sharing every bit of my life with him.
Abel has been nicer the last couple of days, and even came home early last night. But I acted very strangely, and I don't even know why I was so upset, except that I wasn't ready to forgive him. I just wanted to sit and think about Lent, and watch my show, and maybe do some cleaning maybe not. But he came home, kept the kids awake, and I didn't know what to do. Clean? Watching t.v. or being on the computer was out. So I just went to bed with my clothes on. I thought he might want to talk to me, even though I wasn't in the mood, but he just turned the light out on me and...I don't know, I fell asleep. He said he was going to take Fridays off. We'll see hopefully with one day together we can communicate a bit.
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